Why I Don’t Post Nutritional Data

Step right up! Step right up! Don’t be shy. Nothing to be afraid of. Just a little numbers game. Everyone’s a winner. Every. One’s. A winner!

Looking for that one food, that one special ingredient that will make you taller, smarter, lighter, brighter, wealthier and more good-looking? Well, look no further. I have something here that will astound and amaze you. Something they say cannot be done. Something that defies the very laws of nature herself.  

I can make nutrients appear and disappear out of thin air.

And if you’re not completely satisfied, it’s double your money back. Just return the unused portion, along with the original receipt, your date of birth, and photos of any and all tattoos. Some restrictions apply. Offer not valid in the state of Hawaii.

Nothing up my sleeve, I assure you. See the labels below? Take a look. Take a hard look. Both are for dried golden berries. Plain old, nothing added, as-is golden berries. Both brands proudly proclaim their product to be organic and GMO-free. Look at the nutritional data. Look closely. With a wave of my hand…

…the package on the right  has 13% more carbs, 33% more fiber and 50% more protein. But wait. There’s more. I made the fat disappear. There’s no fat. No even a trace. The other has a gram.

How do I do it, you ask? Ah, that would spoil the fun.

Want to see it again? This time I present you with chickpeas. Cooked with a bit of salt and tinned. Ready?

What’s that you say? The label on the left is for 1/2 a cup and the label on the right is for a whole cup? Well, aren’t you astute. You’re watching me closely. Alrighty then. Playing fair, I’ll make sure we look at a full cup of each.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you — or your calculator. Based on a 1-cup serving, the label on the left has 62% more calories, 33% more fat, 70% more carbs, 228% more fiber and 81% more protein.

Again, I assure you. There’s nothing up my sleeve.

Oh, so you think you know how I do it? Okay. Let’s play for real this time. Ready? I present you with tinned tomatoes. Whole tinned tomatoes.

If you guessed the can on the right would have 57% more calories and carbs, but twice the sugars you could be a winner. You did? Well, congratulations! I can’t fool you.

But… did you also guess it would simultaneously lose 74% of its vitamin A and C ? No?

Sorry, folks. Better luck next time.